Coping with the Distance

I have never heard anybody be excited about being in a long distance relationship, but sometimes life still leaves it at your feet. It may not be what you want, but we can still learn to deal with what struggles may come. Here's some difficulties you might encounter with distance and what to do about them.

Difficulty: You cannot see your significant other every day.

If you are as infatuated with your significant other like I am with mine, it may be hard to spend more than one day apart. Distance can be difficult when you are so used to spending every day with somebody else, and can make you upset when you realize they will not be next to you for months to come.

How to improve the situation:

What I have began to realize in my relationship is that distance sometimes allows you to realize things about your significant other that you may otherwise take for granted. Daltyn and I have been together for about 3.5 years, but we have spent every summer with distance. Now that we will be apart for our longest period of time while pursuing our professional soccer careers, the fact of not being able to see each other has become really difficult. When I am apart from him, it reminds me of how amazing he truly is and how lucky I am to have him in my life. I appreciate the moments he would cook for me when I was too tired (or lazy) to do it myself, the spontaneous trips he would take with me when I would be bored, and the hugs he would give me when I had a rough day. Take time in this moment away from your S.O. and think about what you miss about them.

If you are serious about your relationship, you'll know that not every day needs to be spent with them. I know it may be hard to think about spending a period of time apart, but this distance may have been placed in your life for a reason. Sometimes relationships start to become solely focused on the other person, but when you transfer into a long distance relationship it forces you to focus on YOURSELF. Realize that you get the rest of your life to spend time with your significant other... Use this crappy moment to bring your focus back to your personal life and improving yourself.

Difficulty: Adjusting to the new time difference and clashing schedules.

I know I'm not the only one here that finds it really hard to communicate on a regular basis with my significant other. Usually when we have to be in a long distance relationship it is because of a job opportunity or schooling, and with that comes a new busy schedule. Wherever your S.O. is in the world, the time to collaborate between two completely different schedules can be very frustrating. Daltyn and I are on completely different sides of the country (soon to be on completely different sides of the world), and our schedules are basically completely opposite of each other. He has practices mostly at the beginning of the day (7:00 AM eastern), and I have practices at the very end of night (until 10:00 PM pacific). Practices aren't the only thing on our schedules, but this gives you an idea of how hard it may be to communicate with such different tasks we each have to do.

How to improve the situation:

While you may not be able to change your significant other's situation, try to be open about your schedules. If you want to talk to them at a certain time of the day, don't ask them to do it last minute. They may have something else they are required to do and it can leave you disappointed. Being open about schedules can help you know what they have going on in their life and when you might be able to be free at the same time. Knowing a schedule can make it easier for you to relax when they may not be responding to a text or call as well.

It is important that if you are sharing schedules, you are also understanding about what your S.O. has to do for school or their job. If you become jealous or derogatory in nature towards something they love, your relationship can become very negative. Long distance is not easy for both sides of the party and it is important that you are as supportive as possible about what they are currently doing.

Difficulty: Jealousy and having to miss out on fun moments with your significant other.

Recently, Daltyn went on a spontaneous trip with his friends to river float and camp for a weekend. If you know me, that kind of weekend is right up my alley and I was kind of bummed that he was getting to have all of that fun without me. In a long distance relationship, there may be a lot of moments like this that you may experience. It is hard to see your S.O. have fun without you, and it can sometimes escalate to jealousy.

How to improve the situation:

When you cannot spend those same fun moments with them, realize that it only means that you love to spend time with them. It is always great when you wish to spend more time with your S.O. because it means that you truly love them! However, understand that they are allowed to have fun on their own as well. It is not healthy for your S.O. to always be miserable and sad when you are not around. While they are having fun, remember that you can plan some fun things to do as well. It is important that we encourage fun moments for our significant others when there is distance between us. If they get to spend stress-free time with the people around them, it means they are creating friendships and connections that will be their support system while you are temporarily away. Don't forget that you can do this exact thing as well! Take this opportunity to connect with new people and create friendships that will last a lifetime.

Something that is very important about this is to avoid getting jealous. Jealousy is so easy to come across, but it can become so toxic to a relationship. Even if you do grow jealous about something your S.O. may be doing, communicate it to them. Let them know that you are upset, and have a grown-up discussion about it. If you don't discuss something that may be upsetting you, it can brew inside of you and suddenly explode on your S.O. when they may have been completely unaware of how they were making you feel. Communication is key to a mature long distance relationship.

Difficulty: Texting can get boring

Having a long distance relationship brings a severe increase in new communication methods that you may not enjoy all the time. My preferred way of communicating with Daltyn is face-to-face... and that obviously cannot happen when you are a 2,000 miles away from each other. We do not do very well with texting, and we really lack the time to call each other on the phone frequently. I have found myself checking my phone about a million times every minute to see if Daltyn had sent me a text because if I miss the chance, he might not respond for a few more hours. This leads to me becoming obsessed with my notifications and stressed about not responding in time. I have grown so bored sitting alone and waiting for a text that might not come for hours, but I just get so worried that I will miss my chance to talk to him.

How to improve the situation:

This is what I will stress: Take time away from your phone. Distance can make us even more attached to our phones than we already are. It is not good for your mental health and well-being. I have started to set up designated times each day that my phone will shut off select apps so that I cannot use them (you can do this in iPhone settings). I prefer to do this at night so that I do not lay in bed scrolling through social media making myself anxious about missing Daltyn. It also reminds me to step back and assess myself as a person. If we settle with having a relationship where each person is glued to their phones, how are we acting in our daily lives around the people we love? Avoid sitting at a lunch with a friend and checking your phone to see if your S.O. has texted you. Learn to enjoy your personal time with others.

If you are having a hard time shaking the fact that you need to text your S.O. constantly, try new modes of communication. I like to save some cool things that have happened in my life for Facetimes with Daltyn. It is so much more fun to be able to see his facial expressions when I tell him stories, and provides me immediate comfort. We do not Facetime every night, but I like it that way. We limit our communication so that every time we talk, it is exciting.

Difficulty: You feel alone or single at times.

I find myself in a distance relationship sitting in a public setting and staring at couples that are clearly in love... Feeling extremely alone and single. Obviously I am not, but I definitely have days where I wish I could just ask Daltyn to go grab lunch with me. Seeing others so happy can make me sad and wishing that I was not in the situation I was. Adjusting to a long distance relationship means getting used to the physical absence of somebody you love, and it is hard.

How to improve the situation:

I hate to say it, but I don't think that sad feeling will go away. It will always suck when you see your friends on dates and bragging about the trips they get to take together. Even though this won't change, your attitude can. I have began to see this time apart as a total moment to find ways to grow as an individual. I am only 21, and I have a lot of learning to do. It would be nice to grow constantly with Daltyn, but this time alone gives me some breathing space to truly find myself and what I want to do with my life.

I have realized that I have a lot more time to make art, journal, exercise, and pray. Obviously I can do all of these things when Daltyn is around, but something about having this specific time to myself is so important. Use this time to build your friendships with others and find hobbies that you've always wanted to get into. In that empty space that you would spend with your S.O., you can fill it with things you have wanted to do for yourself. Having these experiences will help you appreciate your own abilities and talents, and it will give you something extra to tell your S.O. about at the end of the day.

Distance is hard... But you can make it work.

That's what I'm doing. I want to make it work because it is totally worth it. This distance makes me happy when I see Daltyn pursuing his dream, and he supports me as I pursue mine. Coping with distance is something that I still work on, but I at least want to share some things to others that may be going through the same thing. It is possible to do. Stay mature about it. Support each other. Be understanding. Communicate. And love them unconditionally.